kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
You Might Also Like
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala