My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc