Good morning y’all ☀️
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]