Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.