“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Come back with a warrant
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it