As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”