[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom