superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Stop sending me this shit.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
🤣✨#caturday
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
🤣🤣💀
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.