Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Ain’t no way
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.