Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My birth announcement for our third baby
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”