John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
They got a point!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper