For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”