Camping tip: No.
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Money is the root of all wealth
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.