Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!