If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
starting a garage orchestra
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.