I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Meanwhile in Canada…
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!