How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
i smell a pulitzer
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.