Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Straight people are cancelled
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.