I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
You Might Also Like
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰