Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.