True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
What a year we’ve had this week.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
🤣🤣🤣
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.