I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Sticker placement is key.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
next question.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Its a hippotatomus
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder