“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here