You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish