Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”