before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?