For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”