Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Bobby pin
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I bet
how to market bottled water to dads
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.