My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Probably my best painting.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*gets down on one knee*
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Autocarrot sucks!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.