My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.