Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces