I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
You Might Also Like
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.