Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe