I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
They also CAN sing✌️
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss