Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.