If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside