“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.