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Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
(more comics:
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.