The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had