Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
then why did i get this email
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
the noise i just made
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando