billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
my sentiments exactly
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!