Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
technically true but not a great slogan
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me too 😆
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.