Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Breaking news:
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all