*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.