God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?