Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.