If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints