Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?