I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant