Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
new wife guy just dropped
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes